Monday, 27 June 2011

Katherine

If I'm going to pretend to have a serious blog, I'd better post serious topics too.  Here's Katherine Elizabeth (some with her older brother), seven weeks old last Saturday



Club Alcatraz - the never ending trolling opportunity

The troll never stops; January 2009


In apartheid South Africa the cultural boycott seriously messed with our intellectual development. 


Instead of Sesame Street we had something called Pumpkin Patch. Before that we had Harry’s House. Pumpkin Patch seemed familiar when it came out since many of the costumes were previously Harry’s.


 We never saw REM and newer chart toppers live; we had the washed-up bands like Status Quo and Wishbone Ash arriving on our shores long after the rest of the world had stopped caring. Mediocrity was such a way of life that it became entrenched. When the democratic order happened, being happy with second best immitations simply extended to everyone – how else could you explain Danny K and Ed Jordan?


While the US had The Limelight and Michael Aliq’s ‘club kids’ setting new trends in industrial clubbing, we had to make do with Club Alcatraz. Sometimes called Alice D because of licensing issues, it was like nothing else in Johannesburg. Remember ‘Traz? The basement under the second hand car park on Main Street, Johannesburg? Near where Absa Towers is? If you have to think, you were never there. 


You never went past the owner at the door and his loud American girlfriend, the bouncer in a black bomber jacket who looked like a jelly baby and past the cloak room made out of chipboard where you only ever handed in things that you really, really didn’t mind never seeing again. You were never forced to gag at the piss smell from what were supposedly the toilets on your left and then go down a staircase that took a sharp right turn. Oh, there were a couple of couches on the way (one had cold vomit behind the cushions once as my brother found out one evening) too and a TV that always played the ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’. Our misery was complete. 


Downstairs stank of toilet cleaner and whatever it was that went into the smoke machine. All the walls were painted black and featured a series of murals. You could park off under the ‘Wall of Voodoo’ or a number of similar locales. The bar had a bad musty odour to it and the word ‘shit’ painted above it. Eventually this was replaced by a picture of a couple of goblins. Whoever did the newer painting probably realised that what he painted over was tautologous anyway. How else could you explain a bar where the beers were always warm and often stale? The manager, according to some of the patrons, bought them at police auctions. They might have been as old as we were. You only had a selection of two kinds of lager anyway: the kind that comes in a red tin which I’ve always suspected to be crap and the kind in a beige tin that I know is. The barman used to take forever to give you your change, I suppose he was hoping that you’d lose interest and eventually just let him keep it. 


Unlike the resident drug dealer who moved around the place with the all the subtlety of a bad fart and who stole his whole identity from ‘Sid & Nancy’, the barman at least didn’t have to count on his fingers as he sold acid tabs (even the drugs at the time were ten years behind the rest of the world) for amounts in multiples of ten. If you didn’t want the beer you could score a Coke from the petrol station over the road. Nobody who knew any better would touch the water in the blue jug. During one very memorable lock-in for the much anticipated ‘Black Mass Party’ (Alcatraz parties never had anything to do with their names), the blue jug was used to help unblock the urinal. I’m not too sure but I think that was the same night that one member of the Gypsy Jokers motorbike gang accused another of looking at his ‘schlong’. The fight immediately afterwards resulted in the plywood toilet cubicle being demolished and the guy in there having to find somewhere else to sleep.


Considering that the Alcatraz ethos was based so squarely on a rejection of the ordinary, life’s ‘trendies’ and their conventions, it struck me as strange that the conventions in dress that applied there were stricter than anything you might find anywhere else. Having the wrong label at the back of your docs (‘airwair’ versus ‘bouncing soles’) could earn you some serious scorn. If you were wearing docs, it was a good idea not to fall asleep in them seeing as how they could be stolen from you by someone with a knife who simply cut through the laces. Oh yes, the laces… White laces might get you killed (as was rumoured to have happened to a skinhead called Liam courtesy of some of the regulars) for being a white power supporter, red laces were better since they advertised you were an anarchist while the green said you smoked dope. 


Everyone at ‘Traz smoked dope anyway - second hand smoke and the lack of any ventilation made sure of that. I once wore brown laces borrowed from my army boots after the standard black one’s broke. When I was inevitably asked what they meant, I said it was a statement that I liked black women. For a bunch of supposed libertarians, I noticed that a lot less people were prepared to talk to me. 


What sort of music was played at ‘Traz? Probably what you’d expect. It would start with about three songs that I’d like: Bauhaus, The Pixies and if I was very lucky, some Joy Division. After that it became what one poster advertised as ‘Hard Beat Industrial Cyber Doom Goth’. I’m serious. I couldn’t make that up. I even still have the poster if anyone would like it. 




Most of what was played sounded like a recording of a toilet being flushed and then being forced backwards through a synthesiser. Identifying with the real forerunners of alternative culture (Frank Zappa, David Bowie or Arthur Brown) was uncool at Alcatraz. To be taken seriously, you had to pander to the newer copies who had stolen what had come before. You had to like things like Meat Beat Manifesto and Nurse with Wound. I gave up and stuck to the crappy beer. The music could have been left on autopilot as far as I was concerned, the same songs often seemed to play in the same order, night after night. It wouldn’t have surprised me. The DJ, I think his name was Mark, was a tonsil who must have misheard the political slogan of the day of ‘one man, one vote’ as ‘one man, one joke’ and insisted on living it thereafter. ‘Get a haircut!’ he’d shout repeatedly at head bangers making a request that would require him to interrupt the noise he had left looped in the DJ box. 


Mark really thought he was a celebrity, a funny one. When he made attempts at humour on the microphone during his set, everyone would take on a glazed look, the same half-smile people get at a craft sale where everything is made by the mentally handicapped and they want to seem polite and understanding.


The place was a dump, I didn’t like the music much and the beer was feeble. Why did I go? More importantly why did I keep going? I thought it was funny. Where else could I have won second prize at the ‘Voodoo Party’ for having gone as a sacrificial chicken with a kiddie’s chicken-head-hat? The people – with a few exceptions - were interesting and genuine. Not once did I ever get asked about rugby, cricket or what school I had been at. There might not have been a Michael Aliq at Alcatraz but there was an Aragorn Ellis. Aragorn might never have come to ‘Traz in a suit made out of fresh meat as Aliq did at The Limelight but he did once wear a series of tampons hanging from his hair. He thought I was a poser – he was right. I was worse actually, I was a voyeur who went there to marvel at teenage girls pretending to be lipstick lezzies, people being sent to the nearby Carlton Centre to steal fire escape signs so that the club could at least go through the motions of being compliant and meet girls whose state of emotional fragility made the chat-up thing very easy. Mea culpa.


It wasn’t all fun though. The manager had me confused with someone else and get kept asking when I was going to introduce him to an illegal diamond dealer called ‘Izzy’. I denied that I knew him and then played along when he got persistent. Eventually my creative excuses that Izzy couldn’t meet him right now because of a series of bizarre and made up Jewish holidays, got very thin. The vibe in the club got more oppressive and the music even worse. You can only have the same conversation with someone about whether they could move into your mom’s garage (they promised to be very quite) a certain number of times before you get irritated. Eventually the joke wore off and the true nature of what some of these children (some were very young, I was only 18 at the time) were doing to themselves with the acid and alcohol become apparent.


I withdrew as quietly as I’d appeared.To everyone I met have met at Club Alcatraz, mea culpa again. I was a poser, I realise that now. In fact I knew it all along. I was a shameless voyeur who thought you were all hamming it up as much as I was with your claims to be pantheists (even though you might be wearing leather) and Marxist all at the same time while practicing Wicca and wearing pentagrams before singing the virtues of atheism. I should have listened to Mark earlier have gotten that haircut.


The comments:



Re: Club Alcatraz
Well, that was quite a nostalgic post :P
By Aragorn Eloff on  1/29/2009 4:35 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Dude I don't remember you at all, but no worries there's a nice trip down memory lane on FaceAche: http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?id=621332396&gv=4#/group.php?gid=2487566779

When the going got tough, we went to 4th World.
By sididis on  1/29/2009 7:00 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?id=621332396&gv=4#/photo.php?pid=130494&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=2487566779&aid=-1&id=521616535&oid=2487566779
By sididis on  1/29/2009 7:11 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Can you put the poster up? That would be seriously cool
By Riff on  1/30/2009 6:58 AM
sididis
Sorry bru, I don't remember you either.
By Frank on  1/30/2009 7:00 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
oh I remember that scene quite vividly, all those skinny, damaged boys with long hair. It was easier to pick boys up at dance clubs but it was the challenge of getting the alcatraz types in the sack because you could see how closeted they were. They all put out in the end though.
By Roofus on  1/30/2009 7:05 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Check out FaceBook... Spazzcatrazz is referred to as one of the 'great' alternative clubs! Shit. I'm glad I never stumbled across one of the pathetic ones then!
By Simon on  1/30/2009 7:16 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
As I remember, everybody at Alcatraz was a poser. Anarchist uniforms are funny. I see the facebook I Remember Alcatraz people found your article. I can only say how sad. It is not only because somebody started a facebook group for such a lame cause, but also because they seem to google Alcatraz on a daily basis. You people need to get a life (and not on Second Life either). So the little lesbian - that seems to still be living in the early '90s - doesn't remember you. That is probably quite fortunate.I remember how Alcatraz stopped serving water because they said it was stopping people buying beer.Remember Killer Womble? What a clown. He had great comedy value.I also remember how the best party at Alcatraz was on the pavement outside. One night some trendies drove past and threw a teargas cannister out their car window. I overheard a conversation between two of the punks that I will never forget because it was just too hillarious. It went "Did you just get teargassed?"; "No, I'm crying 'cause my mother just died."Excellent article.
By Ted on  1/30/2009 12:31 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Is that a club where they play megadeath and matalica?
By xxRoCkGurl69xx on  1/30/2009 9:12 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
the blue jug should be put on e-bay. Nice article. Enjoyed your book also
By Tonsilectomy on  1/30/2009 9:35 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
i heard that everyone that went to alcatraz was satanistic. you people need to find the Lord.
By StreisandFan on  1/30/2009 9:54 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Alcatraz was a haven for kids who couldn't quite fit into a very uptight SA. Perhaps you didn't get it, but lots of us did.

Also every scene and every genre world over has a 'uniform' it's part of the human psyche to need to identify with others. If you guys would like to debate it why not come to darksideforum.co.za

@Streisandfan> yes we were. we all killed our cats and fed them to our kids - BOO!
By Dawn on  1/30/2009 10:01 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
i will pray for you
By StreisandFan on  1/30/2009 12:06 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Seriously guys... if you want to understand Alcatraz, feel the ethos, live it, follow this link http://1227.com/
By Spiros the Greek on  1/30/2009 12:10 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
"Also every scene and every genre world over has a 'uniform' it's part of the human psyche to need to identify with others. If you guys would like to debate it why not come to darksideforum.co.za"

Yes you are so nonconformist that you have to conform. What a paradox. You trade in your own identity for the identity of the scene so that you can "identify with others". You might as well just be a trendy.
By Ted on  1/30/2009 1:24 PM
Right said Ted
Can we please have a follow-up article? Nobody has mentioned how that A-hole manager used to run around with a water pistol spraying people. Bigger jerk off than the jerk off DJ if you asked me!
By Spiros the Greek on  1/30/2009 2:33 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Hey I never said that it was non conformist. In fact I am saying quite the opposite. It's human nature to want to identify with those that make you feel the way you'd like to. There is a stereo type for all walks of life.

What I am saying is that we were a bunch of kids when we went there - obviously all of it has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Most of us had issues fitting in, and never felt a part of anything until we found the alternative scene.

Sounds a little bit like sour grapes that's all.
By Dawn on  1/30/2009 2:38 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Hey StreisandFan

Just for the record I was only teasing :) Most of us from back then are married with kids living normal lives, etc, etc. Please don't think for a minute I was being serious.

I don't know if there were any genuine satanists back then, but most of what you heard about that club was hype. We were just a bunch of misunderstood youths looking for a place that understood us.

No hard feelings I hope.
xxx
By Dawn on  1/30/2009 6:40 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Spiros

A-hole manager? You must mean Eric.
By Ted on  2/2/2009 4:57 PM
@ Ted
That would be him. Maybe he was the first beneficiary of affirmative action. Perhaps there is a law somewhere that says one in five club managers has to be a complete wash-out and that would be him
By Spiros the Greek on  2/3/2009 8:23 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
I wish i was queer so i could get chicks
By Flodgie Van Halen on  3/14/2009 10:09 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
This is a really excellent piece of writing! I love your take on that whole scene.
By Emm on  5/14/2009 3:18 PM
Are there any such spots now in jhb
Where are those spots now , i am very facinated by santanic worship and i just love watching banned horror flicks, i want to get into the scene
Any suggestions ?
By Malcolmxxx on  11/9/2009 6:18 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
I loved Alcatraz! And all those who are complaining, you obviously missed the point! We were young and wanted to have fun! So dont be so serious about life and what happened. Or maybe you were those people who didnt fit in, and hid iin a corner masturbating over the super sexy women that the rest of us got to date! Dont be jealous! And the music was good, the Dj's were chops but it was awesome, and the times I had there I would never replace. It just sows what a bunch of losers you really were if you hated it so much, but continually went back, and the fact that you admit that you went to get watch us all. Get a life. It was our experience as teens and it was great.

As for the Barbarastreisand chick, you represent exactly what we went to get away from. god damn christians judging the rest of the world, hiding behind your fucking lies.
By Jason on  11/17/2009 7:12 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Oh yes, Dawny, Love you girl!
By Jason on  11/17/2009 7:13 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
I don't remember you Jason. Are you posing?
By Dave Wow on  11/18/2009 6:48 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Oh the melodrama is too much.

StreisandFan wanna do it?
By Baby Duck on  11/19/2009 12:20 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
First time I really spoke to Aragorn was in the back of a bakkie at like 3 in the morning on our way back from traz. I jumped out at Mellville somewhere and got so lost. I was tripping my face of mind you and I suspect to this day Aragorn was in a wedding dress but the Micro dot might have twisted my memories. I used ot hang out with the punks Mick, Tedious, Andre and Nicolas. Eish I would give anytihing to be that young again!
By fiasco on  3/2/2010 5:36 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Oh I remember a cool incident on the pavement. Some of the christ krispies freaks came over and handed some flyers to us with messages like "Repent Jesus Loves" you on.

I was outside with a guy called Rob who brought his pet rat with to the club. Anyway these bible monkeys where tjooning him shit so he turned around and said. The only reason Jesus was crucified is simple if they drowned the little fucker you all would be wearing aquariums around your necks.
By fiasco on  3/2/2010 5:42 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
alcatraz only brings back good memories of good people, and yes, fiasco, although we have never met. A was wearing a memorable wedding dress and i remember my friend writing some corny love poem about it. here's a toast to good music, confused people, bad hair styles and great times!
By yentl's ass on  8/18/2010 2:27 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
White laces might get you killed (as was rumoured to have happened to a skinhead called Liam courtesy of some of the regulars)

I remember that it was in the papers and on Carte Blanche, they were making out that there was a rival gang punks vs skins thing in Joburg. No truth that there was ever before or after any rivalry. Pretty sad if you ask me that some poor kid, one of us, lost his life. I wonder did they ever get the ones that did it.. I was in town that night and remember there was a fight in the street between the Doors nightclub and Alcatraz. I heard bouncers and the management were responsible and or some punks from Durban. I wonder if anything ever came of it all ? 
By 12 hole on  12/17/2010 4:39 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
White laces might get you killed (as was rumoured to have happened to a skinhead called Liam courtesy of some of the regulars)

I remember that it was in the papers and on Carte Blanche, they were making out that there was a rival gang punks vs skins thing in Joburg. No truth that there was ever before or after any rivalry. Pretty sad if you ask me that some poor kid, one of us, lost his life. I wonder did they ever get the ones that did it.. I was in town that night and remember there was a fight in the street between the Doors nightclub and Alcatraz. I heard bouncers and the management were responsible and or some punks from Durban. I wonder if anything ever came of it all ? 
By 12 hole on  12/17/2010 4:39 AM
Re: Club Alcatraz
Yeah,

Went there down in main street dj there was Nick Huddle funny thing though later on in life went to ESP in end street & guess what Nick and all the hard rockers turned into hardcore Ravers he he...
By ETS on  1/19/2011 1:37 PM
Re: Club Alcatraz
I remember Barbara and Jacqui and a girl who called herself the rat. Carte blanche being there after the death of the skinhead in 1991. The two guys who sat under the steps dressed like Egyptians.
By Chantel on  4/13/2011 7:35 PM